Dear Gabby,

It’s been weeks, and my nails are in a desperate need of a manicure, and my toenails are screaming out for a pedicure. My hair, well, it looks like the birds have taken up residence since this coronavirus has taken root in the good ol’ USA. So what am I going to do? Everything is closed, and I have no place to go. I am a total wreck!

HELP!

Danita

Dear Danita,

Calm down. It’ll all be over soon, and your nail and pedicure salons will reopen. The place where you have your hair done will also reopen for business. In the meantime, let’s get to work on you. There are simple things that you can do to beautify yourself. Let’s start with your nails.

Go to your nearest drug store and purchase fake nails and glue those suckers on! It’s amazing that you can buy them already pre-colored and at the length you desire. Why, you can buy the fake nails in so many lengths it’ll blow your mind, from short to mid-length, to the “Guinness Book of World records” of 26 inches long.

Next in line, that pedicure; I have two suggestions. 1.) Buy fake toenails and glue them on as well. I was so surprised to see the various amounts of fake toenails available and so many beautiful colors. If that is not what you are looking for then my second suggestion would be to go online and do a search for “boots.” You read me right … BOOTS!

Boots can cover up so many flaws from hairy legs to those unsightly toenails in desperate need of a pedicure. Even I have been subjected to a pair of those above-the-knee black leather boots hiding my ungodly flaws, and so can you. If it happens to be in the summertime for those knee-high boots, never worry … you will become famous and the talk of the town for years. What publicity! Girl, go for it! In the long run, you will thank me.

Hairdo? Oh, so easy, and you’ll be looking great until your hair salon reopens. So many options: Buy a hot pink haircoloring kit. It won’t last long, it’s not permanent, and it’s the rave of today. Opt for a wig; so many styles, lengths and colors and again only temporary. Go for the old Britney Spears look and shave your head completely bald. … It even resembles something out of “Star Wars.” Awesome!

My dear Danita, no matter what you choose to do remember this: Beauty is only skin deep as Sir Thomas Overbury wrote in his poem “A Wife” (1613): “All the carnal beauty of my wife is but skin-deep.” In short, what lies inside is more meaningful and beautiful.

Gabby

THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE April 24 ISSUE OF FOCUS SB - THE INQUISITOR.